The Pastor Who Tried to Schedule the Rapture (And Got Ghosted)

So apparently down in South Africa, a pastor decided he had the ultimate inside scoop: the Rapture was coming. Not in a vague, biblical way. Nah, my man pulled out the heavenly calendar app and said, “Y’all, it’s happening on this date, for TWO DAYS

ONLY.

Like a spiritual Black Friday sale. Don’t miss it.”The man straight-up turned eternity into a weekend event.The 48-Hour Rapture SpecialTwo days? Really? Are we talking a trial version of heaven? Like, “Congratulations! You have unlocked a **free 48-hour trial of Eternal Bliss™. Upgrade now for the full experience.”And what happens on Day 3? Do you just… respawn at work with awkward small talk like,

“Hey Susan, I was just in paradise chilling with angels yesterday, but now I’m back in HR training. Do we still need to fill out those TPS reports?”Folks Were READYPeople actually pulled up to church with luggage. Some were dressed like they were going to brunch in the afterlife.

One guy probably canceled his Netflix subscription, thinking, “Won’t need this where I’m going.” Imagine explaining to your landlord why you didn’t pay rent: “Sir, I really thought rent wasn’t gonna be a thing after Friday. My bad.”When Nothing HappenedDay 1 passed. Day 2 passed. People were side-eyeing like, “Ayo, Pastor, did God hit traffic or what?” By Day 3, everyone was back to their Wi-Fi bills and grocery lists, mad they wasted perfect apocalypse outfits.And the pastor? He hit us with the classic holy backpedal: “Well, actually, God works in mysterious ways…” Translation: I might’ve lied, but y’all still tithed, so… praise be.Moral of the StoryNext time somebody tries to schedule the end of the world like it’s Coachella, maybe just… keep your snacks stocked and stay home. Because if the Rapture really does come, it’s not sending out Google calendar invites.